Thursday, July 2, 2009

Knee deep

Two years have passed since my last day at the Cove. When I left things were bleak, a new job was not right around the corner, I had lost Ketos which made for a very dark vibe. I wanted to be sad about leaving but I wasn’t, I was worried about the future, in as much as I ever worry about the future but sad about leaving no.
It seems strange to me now to look back at all the time I wasted at the Cove. It was a place with so much potential, a place I could have made so much more happen had I not hit such silly resistance. When I look back I miss certain people of course, the Evil Doctor and Surfboy but that’s not the first thought, it’s not the overwhelming sensation.
I miss the idea of being a scientist. I miss being able to get wet, muddy, cold, hot, to smell truly unpleasant things and revel in it. I miss bringing my dog to work. I watched Frontiers the other night, and then last night Nature – I was so excited for the scientists who were conducting the various experiments. Nature was about cephalopods (hi crouching tiger/hidden squid!) and just the sound of the water lapping against the side of the boat, or the image of the long, dark tanks of water stirred a deep sadness and sense of loss in me.
June seems a strange time of year to find myself perpetually depressed but here we are. It seems impossible to move forward in any meaningful way. I question every relationship and want to hide from them, from everyone that has the potential to disappear. I’ve tried to find a pattern to the people that have left that still keep a piece of my heart/soul/brain locked with them (or maybe they’ve junked them along the way, all I know is that I don’t have these pieces anymore). I don’t know that there is a pattern.
I’ve thought about Capt. Trevor for awhile now, it’s hard to think about him without thinking about the Cove and some good times there. I see Trevor and a whole soundtrack of Toby Keith songs floods in. Should’ve Been A Cowboy kicks us off and I’m transported back to sitting in his pick up in one of the worst downpours I can remember in the last 10 years. We had gone to Home Depot to pick up some materials (that melt when they get wet and were tied to the roof and bed of his pickup btw) for a project. Before it even started to rain he made me sit in the cab while he tied the things down, swearing and grunting the whole time because it was really a two man job but NO I shouldn’t just come help. I remember marveling at all of the “boy stuff” he had balanced on his dashboard. This was a whole new world for me. It made me nervous and excited to see all of the things I couldn’t even identify just stuffed up there, not slipping or moving at all as he turned corners. I kept waiting for all of it to come slamming down my end but it never did and Capt. T clearly didn’t give it a thought. We talked to the whole way, pulling over under some trees to try to keep our stuff dry then getting lost but Trev, not from around there or even aware of what town we were in got us back on track without missing a beat. He kept trying to find the perfect country song to turn me around about country music sucking. He’d been trying all spring with zero success. We sailed easily down the twisting hill, sliding to a stop in front of the wet lab door. Thunder roared over our heads and he pulled out a cd. “This is it. This is my last ditch effort but I have to let you know that this is MY song. If you don’t like this song then I can no longer be around you.”
Should’ve Been A Cowboy.
I asked what took him so long, where had this song been all my life? It certainly opened a floodgate of country music for me and I learned to love a lot of it, but none like I love Toby.
I tried my best to make J appreciate the Toby but knew in my heart that he would never really get it, that he might find a tune he could stand to leave on but he’d never really love it, never understand what it was about his music that transported me to an entirely different mindset. J has music that does the same for him and it takes him to a place I cannot follow as well.
Imagine my surprise then when he called me a day or so ago and told me, “You know that Toby Keith song ‘Not already there’?” No. I didn’t know the song. It’s been ages since I listened to anything new from Toby. If I’m honest he lost me with the Honkytonk U album, I mean, there’s a song or two on there that I love but I just didn’t connect with it and then moved on. I was surprised J had heard a Toby song (or any country song) that I hadn’t shoved down his throat. He admitted to having been thinking of me and that he randomly downloaded a Toby cd figuring it would remind him of me. He was shocked I hadn’t heard the song then told me I had to get my hands on it right away. I won’t tell you more of what he said but the song spoke to him about us and our relationship. I said I already knew a Toby song that took care of that rather neatly, a nice little song about someone who always leaves and someone who always lets them and then they always come back. He said that one was too angry and I should just listen to this. I did what I always do, consulted my local library and driving in to work this morning remembered to listen to the song:
She called me on the phone and said come on and get on the plane tonight,prontoSo just like every time that kemosabe cried for helpHere come totoI guess you run a lover off againAnd I can't believe how long its beenI had my fingers runnin through her hairOnly bad thing about itI ain't already thereBaby I just landed grabbed my bag and hopped a cabAnd I'm comin soloLight a candle, fill the tub, and put on some music that you loveAnd I'll bring the mojoYeah the cabby said he'd drive like heckIf you'd promise me a pony tailAnd my favorite Vicky’s secret underwearOnly bad thing about itI ain't already thereNow its been real and its been funAnother notch carved in her gunYou know a funny thing when you play her gameWhat you thought would change just stays the same.I'll be on this plane to IllinoisShe be locked down with some pretty boyWhen we touch down in Chicago at o'hare Only bad thing about itI ain't already thereOh no
So here I am at work, stuck here thinking about all the little messages hidden in the exchange and it leaves me with another Toby Keith song refrain:
I’m standing knee deep, in yesterday’s rain.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Tonight is the last night of a very good week of poker. I love Antonio Esfandiari even if he does have the most obvious tells in all of pro poker. Plus he's to Phil Laak's left which is always entertaining. Throw in Durr and Helmuth trying to pretend they respect each other and you got a happy OOMM.

Watched the Today show today and was deeply weirded out by the fact that the only one of the NK's I can still watch on stage and see as a performer is Joe. Donnie's trying so hard to recapture his youth it's painful to watch, Jonathan looks terrified and uncomfortable, I never really understood the point of Danny and I when I look at Jordan I just see Dante and Eric's daddy, almost like he's the weird dad at the school carnival who jumps up and grabs the karoke mic.

I started laying the ground work for taking my first real vacation since 2002 the other day. I know the Most Boring Boy In The World would be really upset if he found out but I'm thinking of visiting Marius. He bought a house in Tampa and invited me down, I can't tell you how badly I want to see him, even though I'm a little afraid. He was truly my closest friend and greatest love for so many years and then we just fell apart. I'm scared that when we see each other it will be awkward and strange and we'll ruin all the fond memories.But I just have a heard time believing that we wouldn't connect when we were always so in sync. Maybe if I go down I can talk him into driving over to see BoringBoy so he doensn't get pissed at me.

I told the PerpetuallyLateIceCreamMaker about my desire to see the new Star Trek movie today and when he got done laughing himself sick ( he likes star trek and I've berated him for it time and time again) he told me I should wait and we'll go see Land of The Lost together when that comes out. I don't really know that there will be a lot of car chases and blowing things up in the Land of the Lost but that's okay because, and this will always be true:

Thursday, May 7, 2009

I'm scaring myself

I think I actually want to see the new Star Trek movie but I can't put my finger on why.
I'm not usually too into the big summer blockbuster movies, don't want to see the shooting and car crashes and whatever but for some reason this spring I'm DYING to see a big budget, special effect filled, super loud movie. Just not xmen. I don't get the appeal. Hugh Jackman does nothing for me, I'll leave my girlcard at the door. I'd rather watch Jillian Michaels sweat thanks.

The PerpetuallylateIceCreamMaker has been talking me into watching all sorts of movies lately. Currently I'm watching The Squid and The Whale. It's pretty good for what it is. The VirginPornStar was trying to get me to pin down what type of movie I like today and I couldn't come up with a good composite to share as an example. I stand by the fact that my two favorite movies of all time are the Philadelphia Story with Katie Hepburn and Monsters Inc.

I forgot all about the running movie by the guys who did Shawn of the dead, I should look into that.

The PLICM and I have also been talking about old music at work ever since monday when he had "I Can't Wait " by NuShooz stuck in his head. He hums it all day and I keep trying other songs out there to derail him because I really cannot hear that song without being transported to studio A at Northeast Broadcasting School and the cutting of Jeff''s Swatch Commercial. I think it was Swatch. I have a tape of that commercial somewhere I should dig it out. I don't now how it's possible to miss someone for more years than you actually hung out with them but that's what happens with Jeff.

I have vivid memories of singing Saturday Love way too loud and obnoxious on the green line with him. Brighams and the Bitch Sessions. Sitting on the stairs before class and talking about elephants. Fighting about DeLuca's pizza because it really was the best and those stupid muffins were too gross for words.

I remember walking on air and bursting inside to tell him the best news of my life up until that point and him being just outside DeLuca's and my thinking I was going to explode with joy when I told him the news because he was the only person in the world who could possibly understand what it meant.

I really wish I could talk to him about those days and compare my memories to his.

Anyway, if I have to I'll sing the entire Barry Manilow catalog to shut ice cream boy up.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

I'm baaaack

I bet no one would have believed I could shut up for this long.
Funny thing is how much I enjoy being silent. For someone who talks as much as I do (and wrote as much as I wrote) it may be hard to believe but when I think of the things I’d most like to do with vacation time some of the top things include silence, or at the very least, solitude.

I spent a very small amount of time reading through entries at my old blog ( last night and had to laugh, it was like reading only all from the same person. There are people out there who’ve made a living out of creative spleen venting but it’s such bad company I don’t know that I’d want to join. I mean, the thought of being mentioned in the same breath as someone like Joan Rivers …could you die?

We know I’ll go there eventually (well, anyone who read the old blog knows) so we might as well get it over with. No, I haven’t given up the reality tv. I’ve added some shows in fact, and as you may have been able to guess by the Joan Rivers reference Celebrity Apprentice is one of them. When the show first started I was kind of in the Melissa Rivers camp because she seemed organized enough and slightly more level headed than old Joan. I have a gut reaction to Annie Duke in a pretty negative way based partially on my revulsion where her brother is concerned (for those of you not in the know, her brother is also a poker pro and is a self important prat who doesn’t understand that pushing the person at the table who is normally annoying to be more annoying actually makes YOU the most annoying person at the table. The other reason I was disinclined to root for Annie is because she has this really underhanded way of talking smack about people and then saying “but I want to make it clear I love (insert name of person who just got the smackdown) and I’ve learned a lot from them. (Smackdown receiver) is one of my best friends.” I mean, stop couching crap. Either call out their asses or kiss their asses but you can’t have it both ways without looking duplicitous and sleazy. That said, Annie is kicking everyone’s ass at this show, which I guess makes perfect sense but she’s doing it in a pretty honest way. The highlight for me (or lowlight I suppose) was finding out to a pretty fine point how out of touch with reality the Rivers women are. I mean, Joan has no concept of other human beings, it’s either you are all about Joan and her mini me or you are the devil/Hitler. She has no medium. This is a woman full of venom and self hatred just looking for somewhere to park it for awhile to take the heat off herself. Then there’s Poor Little Melissa (I’m lobbying to have her name changed to that officially) who nobody played with on the playground for fear of being eaten by her mother. I mean, it’s not like she hasn’t had therapy. This is not 3rd grade. The world is not conspiring against you, you are not that important. If people are having fun little conversations try adding something fun to the conversation. Gah!

Okay, enough, even I’m bored with that now.

I gotta give a shout out to my girl Crouching Tiger/Hidden Squid who is doing her best to steal all of the men in my life, even though she has a man she’s happy with. To be honest she doesn’t have to try very hard, but she does keep saying she wants to go everywhere my boys are going to be and I figure she’s a hot enough Tiger/Squid that they will all fall at her feet.

Stay outta Texas TigerSquid.

In other news I’ve spent a little time with someone I never thought I’d speak to again lately. J’s really mellowed in his old age. Either that or we’re still in the honeymoon stage and we’ll start winging china at each other soon. Either way, like Brock says, it’ll make a good story.

Also for the record I have no freakin clue what Tink means nor am I interested in finding out. I’m guessing you’ll all know soon enough.

I’m going to the Cheesecake factory with a bunch friends from work Monday night. It’s my first time going to the CF and everyone seems pretty freaked out by the fact that I haven’t been. In all honesty when The Most Boring Boy In the World moved to Florida he called me and told me he was going to be working at the Cheesecake Factory I thought he was going to be working at an actual factory that made cheesecakes and was kinda creeped out that they didn’t call it a bakery. I’ve been looking at the menu and while PerpetuallyLateIceCreamMan thinks I should have the chicken and biscuits I keep going back and forth between that and the steak. Of course I can always just have steak when I go out with the Bug because you don’t get a lot of chicken and biscuits anywhere else.

Oh, you don’t know who PerpetuallyLateIceCreamMan is.

You will. If by some chance he’s reading this though? I have two words for you: Rainbow Connection.