Thursday, July 2, 2009

Knee deep

Two years have passed since my last day at the Cove. When I left things were bleak, a new job was not right around the corner, I had lost Ketos which made for a very dark vibe. I wanted to be sad about leaving but I wasn’t, I was worried about the future, in as much as I ever worry about the future but sad about leaving no.
It seems strange to me now to look back at all the time I wasted at the Cove. It was a place with so much potential, a place I could have made so much more happen had I not hit such silly resistance. When I look back I miss certain people of course, the Evil Doctor and Surfboy but that’s not the first thought, it’s not the overwhelming sensation.
I miss the idea of being a scientist. I miss being able to get wet, muddy, cold, hot, to smell truly unpleasant things and revel in it. I miss bringing my dog to work. I watched Frontiers the other night, and then last night Nature – I was so excited for the scientists who were conducting the various experiments. Nature was about cephalopods (hi crouching tiger/hidden squid!) and just the sound of the water lapping against the side of the boat, or the image of the long, dark tanks of water stirred a deep sadness and sense of loss in me.
June seems a strange time of year to find myself perpetually depressed but here we are. It seems impossible to move forward in any meaningful way. I question every relationship and want to hide from them, from everyone that has the potential to disappear. I’ve tried to find a pattern to the people that have left that still keep a piece of my heart/soul/brain locked with them (or maybe they’ve junked them along the way, all I know is that I don’t have these pieces anymore). I don’t know that there is a pattern.
I’ve thought about Capt. Trevor for awhile now, it’s hard to think about him without thinking about the Cove and some good times there. I see Trevor and a whole soundtrack of Toby Keith songs floods in. Should’ve Been A Cowboy kicks us off and I’m transported back to sitting in his pick up in one of the worst downpours I can remember in the last 10 years. We had gone to Home Depot to pick up some materials (that melt when they get wet and were tied to the roof and bed of his pickup btw) for a project. Before it even started to rain he made me sit in the cab while he tied the things down, swearing and grunting the whole time because it was really a two man job but NO I shouldn’t just come help. I remember marveling at all of the “boy stuff” he had balanced on his dashboard. This was a whole new world for me. It made me nervous and excited to see all of the things I couldn’t even identify just stuffed up there, not slipping or moving at all as he turned corners. I kept waiting for all of it to come slamming down my end but it never did and Capt. T clearly didn’t give it a thought. We talked to the whole way, pulling over under some trees to try to keep our stuff dry then getting lost but Trev, not from around there or even aware of what town we were in got us back on track without missing a beat. He kept trying to find the perfect country song to turn me around about country music sucking. He’d been trying all spring with zero success. We sailed easily down the twisting hill, sliding to a stop in front of the wet lab door. Thunder roared over our heads and he pulled out a cd. “This is it. This is my last ditch effort but I have to let you know that this is MY song. If you don’t like this song then I can no longer be around you.”
Should’ve Been A Cowboy.
I asked what took him so long, where had this song been all my life? It certainly opened a floodgate of country music for me and I learned to love a lot of it, but none like I love Toby.
I tried my best to make J appreciate the Toby but knew in my heart that he would never really get it, that he might find a tune he could stand to leave on but he’d never really love it, never understand what it was about his music that transported me to an entirely different mindset. J has music that does the same for him and it takes him to a place I cannot follow as well.
Imagine my surprise then when he called me a day or so ago and told me, “You know that Toby Keith song ‘Not already there’?” No. I didn’t know the song. It’s been ages since I listened to anything new from Toby. If I’m honest he lost me with the Honkytonk U album, I mean, there’s a song or two on there that I love but I just didn’t connect with it and then moved on. I was surprised J had heard a Toby song (or any country song) that I hadn’t shoved down his throat. He admitted to having been thinking of me and that he randomly downloaded a Toby cd figuring it would remind him of me. He was shocked I hadn’t heard the song then told me I had to get my hands on it right away. I won’t tell you more of what he said but the song spoke to him about us and our relationship. I said I already knew a Toby song that took care of that rather neatly, a nice little song about someone who always leaves and someone who always lets them and then they always come back. He said that one was too angry and I should just listen to this. I did what I always do, consulted my local library and driving in to work this morning remembered to listen to the song:
She called me on the phone and said come on and get on the plane tonight,prontoSo just like every time that kemosabe cried for helpHere come totoI guess you run a lover off againAnd I can't believe how long its beenI had my fingers runnin through her hairOnly bad thing about itI ain't already thereBaby I just landed grabbed my bag and hopped a cabAnd I'm comin soloLight a candle, fill the tub, and put on some music that you loveAnd I'll bring the mojoYeah the cabby said he'd drive like heckIf you'd promise me a pony tailAnd my favorite Vicky’s secret underwearOnly bad thing about itI ain't already thereNow its been real and its been funAnother notch carved in her gunYou know a funny thing when you play her gameWhat you thought would change just stays the same.I'll be on this plane to IllinoisShe be locked down with some pretty boyWhen we touch down in Chicago at o'hare Only bad thing about itI ain't already thereOh no
So here I am at work, stuck here thinking about all the little messages hidden in the exchange and it leaves me with another Toby Keith song refrain:
I’m standing knee deep, in yesterday’s rain.